Bittersweet
by Panic at the Potterhead
Summary: 'Everything I do is Bittersweet, you could tell me secrets that I'll probably repeat' A Ryden Fan fiction: -Read and Review!
1. Chapter 1

Bittersweet

Chapter One- Spencer

Miss Cooper pours another glass of water from the clear jug. Spencer gulps, feeling as guilty as a murderer on trial. "So, Spencer, what brings you here?" She asks, pulling out a blue file. Spencer knows it belongs to him; he's no stranger to his file. She takes a sip of water. "You don't usually visit me." Miss Cooper smiles. She's one of the youngest teachers in the school, only about early twenties; she's pretty-ish, dull ginger hair that flows in ringlets to her shoulders and bright green eyes that are caged behind thick glasses. Spencer gulps once more, his heart races, why does he feel like this? "Is everything okay at home, Spencer?"  
"Everything's fine, Miss Cooper." It's the honest truth; he's not here for home issues.  
"Please, call me Karen." She smiles, she's got a nice smile, and it's genuinely kind. "Then why are you here?" She asks. He places his head in his hands, forehead first.  
"I don't know why I'm here." He mutters, that's a lie. He knows why he's here.  
"Would you like to play 20 Questions?" She says. "It's easier for you to tell me that way." Spencer nods and lifts his head from his sweaty palms, running them through his hair. "Is it something to do with school?"  
"Sort of."  
"Okay, is this about you?"  
"No."  
"Is it a rumour?"  
"It is now."  
"How does it make you feel?"  
"Scared, hopeless, useless, lousy and pathetic." He sighs.  
"It's about someone close?"  
"Yes, they're very close."  
"Have you known them for a long time?"  
"Yes, since I was little."  
"So, are they in trouble?"  
"He's putting himself in trouble."  
"Could this affect him badly?" She takes another sip of water and pushes her thick glasses further up her nose.  
"If it gets too bad."  
"Is this about Ryan?" She says knowingly.  
"Okay, Yes." He mumbles. She nods and pulls out another file from the draw besides her desk.  
"Is it the rumours about him being gay?"  
"No," Spencer shakes his head. "This is about what he told me last week. I always knew that he was gay." Spencer lets out a shaky laugh, Miss Cooper looks alarmed at Spencer's inside joke. "I never minded of course, he was still Ryro."  
"Ryro?" She asks.  
"It's his nickname." Miss Cooper nods in acknowledgment. "I've always called him that since we were kids." She smiles.  
"Now, back to what he told you, is it something at home?"  
"It's shared between everything, he's been having a rough time everywhere he goes."  
"He's been known to get into trouble. How can this affect him badly?"  
"If he takes it too far he can kill himself."  
"Is he addicted to anything?"  
"Oh god no, at least I hope he's not, we haven't talked in days."  
"Why not?"  
"He's afraid, I think. He's afraid I'll tell his secret."  
"Who knows about this secret?"  
"Not many people just me, Brendon and Jon."  
"How did they find out?"  
"Ryan told Jon and Jon told Brendon but Ryan doesn't know that Brendon knows."  
"How do you know Brendon knows?"  
"He asked me about it yesterday."  
"Has it spread further?"  
"No, not that I'm aware of." Spencer gulps once more and finally blurts, "Ryan self harms regularly." Miss Cooper seems reserved, as if she handles this daily, but she probably does, this case is probably no more than an angry teen taking it out on himself, Spencer however feels on the verge of tears, he starts to choke on them and he struggles to take a simple breath. Miss Cooper hands him a tissue and he dries his eyes with the soft paper.  
"Spencer, it's okay, it's not your fault. Now tell me why he feels this way."  
"H...He says it's because of his d...dad. But I think its B...Brendon; he's been differently l...lately." Spencer struggles to hold his words together; he chokes and takes a sip of water.  
"What did you say when he told you this?"  
"I told him that there was no need, he knows my parents are fine with him staying if things got really bad, he knows that I can speak to Brendon and he knows I'm there for him, I always has been and he's always been there for me." He says, "He just told me that he's fine and he can deal with it, but I know he's not, he can't, he's not the same."  
"Do you mind if I ask a few more questions?" Spencer shakes his head, he's sick of the pressure on his chest, it's amazing to have it all come out now and know that it's only going to get better. "You say Brendon's been acting differently, what do you mean by that?" She takes out a ring binder from the third draw, it's full of red sheets of paper and the cover can barely be seen for different coloured stick notes, no doubt this is Brendon's file.  
"He just can't make a decision, he doesn't know what he wants, sometimes he seems to hang out with us and other times he doesn't want to be seen with us. I can't say much, I've only just started to notice but Ryan seems to have started paying attention a _long _time ago. It really upsets him, seeing him talking to him like nothing's happened one day and the next it seems as though he hates him."  
"Is there anything more you can tell about Brendon and Ryan?"  
"It's been on and off for months now." He keeps a straight face, he always found it funny that two of his best friends were dating but now it didn't seem so hilarious.  
"Months?"  
"For about three now. During the first we were all happy, Jon was a little freaked out but I just found it funny."  
"Did they know you found it funny?"  
"Yeah, I think that's why Brendon decided to stop being around all the time, it harmed his ego as well as his reputation to know that they were all laughing at him but they weren't in fact it made him more admired because of the guts he had, it's my fault isn't it?" A sharp pain of guilt shoots through and he starts to feel sick, he now realises that he may have caused Ryan to suffer because of his humour.  
"No, Spencer it's none's fault, sometimes people feel like this." She hands him another tissue as more tears stream down his cheeks. "Why did you come to me, why didn't you confront Brendon yourself?"  
"I tried but he wouldn't listen he doesn't realise how much Ryan needs him, he doesn't notice he's not the only one with issue. We all have them, even Jon and I do sometimes."  
"I'm glad you recognise that, you're being very mature in this situation. I think maybe now you should return to your classes, this is confidential, I won't tell anyone and don't need to either but promise me you won't tell Ryan, he may stop trusting you in his fragile state of mind, he could lose his last friend and he could fall over the edge." Spencer nods and rises from his chair.  
"Thanks Miss Cooper... err Karen." He tells her and he leaves, relieved that he finally got all of the worries off his chest.


	2. Chapter 2

Bittersweet

Chapter two- Spencer

The walk home is long, cold, and hard. Spencer was struggling to keep the tears from falling, with his little sister who never stopped talking. He's immune to her chattering and hardly listens to a word she says over the screaming thoughts drowning out the noise. "Yeah, that's nice." Is his only response to her.  
"How's Ryan?" She asks, he's alarmed by her curiosity.  
"What?"  
"Ryan, how is he? I haven't seen him for a while."  
"He's doing great, he's on holiday." He lies. "He came back this morning."  
"Where did he go?"  
"To England to visit his Grandma." Spencer was quite proud of his lie, it even started to seem real to him and everything he'd been told were lies.  
"That's nice." She smiles and continues with her annoying stories of bratty children and imaginary friends. He feels his phone buzz in the pocket of his jeans, he takes it out. He wipes his eyes and stares at the screen hard. "Who's that?" His sister asks.  
"None, just Mom."  
"Oh, what did she say."  
"Not to stay up late, she's working until tomorrow." His sister just nods and smiles. He looks back at his phone, tears of guilt burning at the corner of his eyes again, he blinks them away furiously. _What's wrong with you, Spence?_ He thought. _It's only Ryan, it's not as if he'll do any real damage, he's not gonna die._ He reads the message with a hard concentration.

_**Want to come to mine? Ring me please, Ry. **_

_No._ Something inside Spencer whispers, _don't say yes_. He shakes his head, _its Ryan. Ask him if he wants to come here._ He presses the call button and presses the phone to his ear.  
"Hello?" Ryan asks on the other end.  
"Hey, want to come to mine instead? I've got to look after Molly."  
"Yeah, sure. Are you home yet?"  
"No, just walking up our street now."  
"Oh, I'll see you in five minutes then." And Ryan hangs up on him. _Sure, anything to help a friend._ He thinks to himself.  
"Who was that?"  
"You'll see soon." He promises her. He needs to sort his head before Ryan comes or he'll break down, he knows he will, he just can't help thinking that Ryan's on the edge and he's not too far right now.

The house is the quietest it's ever been, until Molly walks in of course. The once blissful silence is pierced by her harpoon words. Before he closes the door he hears someone shouting his name, it's Ryan. "Wait, Spence!" He pants.  
"Ryan!" Molly shouts, she so has a crush on him, she doesn't realise he's gay.  
"Hey Molly." Ryan mutters.  
"Mom said you have homework, go and do it." Spencer barks, finally closing the door. Molly storms up the stairs, grumbling and groaning, leaving silence for the two boys. It's almost unbearable, in fact it is unbearable. "Why didn't you just tell me?" Spencer blurts out. "I could've tired to help. I was always there, you know that." Ryan narrows his eyes at him.  
"I know, I was scared." He tells him.  
"Why? You know I wouldn't be freaked out."  
"I don't know, I thought I could handle It."  
"But you can't." Ryan shakes his head. "You need help, Ryan."  
"It hasn't gone that far, I thought it'd better if I told you."  
"I meant help from me, this didn't have to happen. None of this."  
"I know, Spencer, I didn't want it to happen. I never have, it just...did." Ryan seems so calm about this, he seems so reserved. Spencer can't be reserved, his best friend, Ryan, no, not Ryro. He can't have these thoughts, he's fun loving Ryro who set off fireworks with him when they were little, who dressed up as Superman with Ninja Turtle Spencer on Halloween.  
"Why? Why this late? You've been doing it for months." Ryan nods.  
"I was scared, Spencer."  
"Why? You _know_ I was there for you, you've always _known_." Anger bubbles up in Spencer, like a volcano, it hurts to feel like this, to see Ryan so calm when he shouldn't be, he should be crying telling him that it was all lies that he'd never done this before.  
"I know."  
"You could've died! How could you be so..." _Stupid_! Spencer thought. "Idiotic?" He asks.  
"You don't know what it's like, you have a perfect life."  
"No one has a perfect life, Ryan! Especially not me! My best friend does _that_ to himself! I must be a pretty lousy friend if someone so close to me could do that for months without telling me."  
"Spencer, don't make this about you. You're not a lousy friend you're the most trustworthy friend I have."  
"Then why didn't you tell me for so long, I'm confused Ryan."  
"I was terrified! I was scared you'd freak out, that you'd hate me, think I was a freak."  
"Ryan, I've always thought you a freak, that's what makes us best friends." Ryan smiles a little, just a little, but the first tear rolls down his cheek. "Ryan, your my best friend I'm _supposed_ to think you're a freak."


	3. Chapter 3

Bittersweet  


Chapter three- Jon  
The sunlight streams through the windows, creating a burning sensation on Jon Walker's cheek, it's a nice sensation but it annoys him. He tries to focus on the boring math teacher but it's almost impossible so he turns to the rest of the room; some kids are throwing paper at each other, some are whispering to each other and then there's the smart-** kid just smiling at Mr. George the old teacher. Jon hates him and Mr. George hates Jon too. He's old and wrinkled with barely any hair and horrid thick moles that looked more like molehills than actual moles. There's a knock from the door and Mr. George looks up from the stack of papers, it swings open to reveal the supposed office monitor of the week, Jon knows her from Homeroom she's had a crush on Brendon before. She's nice, her name's Stacey, she's not the smartest book in the library though and has to read from a big blue card in her hand as she speaks "Can Jon Walker from room Sixty-Three go to Miss Cooper in room Thirty-Nine." She smiles after the sentence; like she's proud she finished it. Mr. George stares at Jon with hatred and then just nods at him; Jon gets out of his chair, grabs his bag and follows Stacey out of the door.  
The door to room Thirty-Nine is open but Jon still knocks, Miss Cooper's casual nice voice chirps in welcome and Jon enters, closing the door behind him. "Take a seat." She smiles, Jon does as he's told, slinging his bag on the back of the chair. Miss Cooper takes out a blue file and opens it up. She peers thoughtfully at it. "It looks as though your record is clean, Mister Walker, do you know why you're here?" Jon shrugs, he has no idea why is here. "What do you know about Ryan?"  
"Ryan?" She nods.  
"Your friend Mister Ross." Jon nods.  
"Everything?" She nods, he gulps.  
"It's okay Jon; everything you say to me is completely confidential. I won't tell anyone." He nods.  
"I know he's not been happy but I don't know why, he doesn't tell me much, we're not that close."  
"Just tell me what you do know, Jon."  
"I know that he's been cutting himself and that he likes Brendon."  
"Do you know why?"  
"No, Miss Cooper, I don't. I know he's been having trouble with his Dad."  
"What kind of trouble?"  
"He's an alcoholic; Ryan can't stand alcohol, the usual."  
"Where does this hatred come from?"  
"His dad's an alcoholic." Jon reminds her.  
"Sorry, stupid question. Is there anything else?"  
"I know Spencer's really worried about him, I know he's scared for him."  
"And do you feel worried for Ryan?"  
"Yes but I don't think it'll go too far."  
"Have you had experience with this before, how do you know it won't 'go too far', define that please."  
"No, I know Ryan wouldn't do that kind of thing, he wouldn't kill himself he knows that people would miss him."  
"Have you told him people would miss him?"  
"No, I just assume that he knows."  
"Mister Walker, you have to let him know things like this. A person doesn't know if they'll be missed they can only assume themselves."  
"You mean he could...kill himself?"  
"Possibly."  
"How can I stop him?" Jon's more worried and anxious now, his heart thunders against his chest.  
"I'm doing my best, Jon. I'll do everything I can to make sure he stays safe. Now, you can leave Mister Walker." Jon gulps, picks up his bag and returns to boring Math.


End file.
